"...the most important relationship to have is with yourself...because no matter what happens you will always be with yourself."

-Diane Von Furstenberg

Thursday, October 28, 2010

ha yeah its been 2 months...

buckle up your chin strap boys its gonna be a long one...

i have to say i had a wonderful day definitely the best day i have had in a longggggggg time. everything just seemed to work in my favor which i really needed. i got another email, from auburn this time in alabama. ive heard its a great school from everyone i talk to they all gasp and say oh my gosh thats great but because of my lack of knowledge about the outside world that doesnt concern me i have no knowledge of any of its greatness nor any other college that has contacted me besides A&M. but none the less they invited me to come for an unofficial visit in about 2 weeks. yeah its crazy. i just have all of these questions and concerns. one part of me wants to move on to college because i believe im ready for it but another says when will you get to see your mom and talk to your friends, go home for that matter. never. thats the answer because no matter where i go (besides A&M) i wont be able to come home on the weekends like i would like. i was discussing this with my mom last night and started crying at the thought of leaving haley and kailey behind and venturing off into the world without my only true best friends. sisters is more like what they are. just the thought of that scares me. auburn is 12 hours away. thats a long drive. i just want to give up, i hate the pressure of trying to pick a school that would pick me too. i just want everything to work out in the end. i cant stand guessing games, i want to know without waiting which school i will pick and if its the right decision and how the rest of my life works out around it.

ill have to say im right there with you in the love department. when i was telling you about keith today in history i was being whole heartedly serious. i think he is soooooo attractive and he is nice and hes not trying to be ghetto and the typical "black" guy. he is doing something with his life, being productive so he can be in a good place when he is older. yes these are the times when i wish i was 5ft tall. just so i could date guys like him. oh yeah then there is evan. evan is small pale skinned kid with really soft dart hair and blue green eyes. he is gorgeous. i would probably lick things off of his body. yeah thats the other thing. he works out so hes not ripped but he is built you can tell he works on it. and it pays off. all i want to do is kiss him. this will sound terrible but i really would like one night with some one where i can get all of this pent up lustful feelings out of my system. there doesnt have to be feelings after wards or any communication what so ever. i just want one night to fool around. yes i know you are passing judgment because im a terrible person but i guess im okay with that because it doesnt change the fact that i want it to happen.

i feel alone. not because im single but because of my lack of companionship. i just want someone to be there someone i can tell stuff to, share moments with. thats what a boyfriend or girlfriend is though arent they? the people you want to spend time with. now normally this gape would be filled by haley and kailey but haley has her boyfriend thats shes all wrapped up in and i never get to see kailey. dont get me wrong i love that haley has a boyfriend and im happy for her but im definitely jealous. especially because he is such a great guy and perfect for her. they will last. that is what makes me so mad. shes my best friend i should be happy for her but i cant because of my jealously towards the fact that she has someone in her life that could potentially replace my spot in her life but only greater because he fills the best friend and the boyfriend part. its only been a month and i hardly know him but i would give a lot to be him. minus the making out with haley part, i mean i love her but not like that. then there is kailey. i never see her and when i do we cant talk because we around other people who we either dont like or cant talk in front of because they arent suppose to know what we are talking about. i miss her. it amazes me that she haley and i can all be friends and yet have completely different friendships. haley and i are the ones who stay up the entire night talking, we can have a conversation without saying a word and only looking at each others eyes, HELL! we can read each others minds so well we dont even have to talk to know what the other one is thinking. but kailey she is my rock in a way that she is always there to give me a shoulder to cry on lean on or hug. she listens to me, everything i have to say. gets me to say things that i didnt even know i felt until i started talking to her. and haley and kailey are crazy together. they are the ones you would read about in the paper the next morning for getting pulled over by the cops for just running the stop sign, but with the cops unaware of all of the illegal events beforehand. yes i dont know what i would do without these girls in my life. i really dont know how im going to deal with them being so far away. we will have to get web cams.

inexplicably yours,