"...the most important relationship to have is with yourself...because no matter what happens you will always be with yourself."

-Diane Von Furstenberg

Monday, April 18, 2011

only by request

yes by request, you and a dear jelsew have requested i write. i dont see why honestly this just basically points out every flaw in my life and a slightly funny mostly cynical way. im sorry you are feeling this way. i know exactly what you are going through. take a listen to "something i said" by safety suit. you might have heard it. probably have. it was basically the definition of my life for what i thought was forever and it could be completely irrelevant to yours but maybe just maybe i could help in this small way. i feel like shit. complete and udder shit. i have had a constant headache for 2 days and congestion that comes and goes at the worst possible moments. this only adds on to the fact that i havent been happy lately. no thats an understatement. i can only recall 5 days in the last 5 months that i have actually felt joy for a considerable amount of time. this weekend which was full of unbelievably sketchy moments with caroline my friend from houston, and when we went to california for that tournament. the volleyball sucked ass. 26 out of 29 with 2 teams that dropped out. but all of the other time during that trip i was happy. only because of the people i was with. my club team minus 3 i feel are the only people that i actually enjoy being around these days. not to say that i dont enjoy time with you or kailey i do. but driving the hour to houston and back just to spend 2 hours with them is beyond worth it. it is a time when i can be myself and everyone is okay and loves me for it. i dont feel like i have to put on a show of yeah i am okay dont worry here let me tell a joke. at school we have so many fucking stuck up bitches i just want to punch them all in the fucking face. im tired of it. and as much as i would love to call them out on it and i would but then i would become an outcast. more than i already am. yeah youre saying jaclyn thats not true, really? its not? who do i hang out with in this town? name 2. oh yeah you cant because there is only one. kailey. she is the only friend who is always there for me. god i love that kid. no one else. i am alone. fuck that shit. im ready to get out of here. sign for college at WSU and get the fuck out of texas and get to kansas so i can start new with people who might actually like me and not just talk to me because i talk to them. do you know how many people have told me about how they have heard i am a bitch. or they dont like me because i have an attitude. fuck that. fuck them. they dont even know me or know anything about me. im tall and i play volleyball thats all they know. and they make judgement on that. cool. good to know everyone here likes to give people chances. make new friends, be open minded. open minded, thats one thing i am always. i hate ignorant close minded people. god no one deserves to be judged then exiled because they would rather where boxers and date girls instead of a thong and sleep with any guy they can find. this probably doesnt even make sense anymore. im just tired of it. i see the looks people give me when i say something bluntly or what they consider not socially acceptable. the rolling of the eyes and the occasional sigh. they think they are being conspicuous but they arent. im one of the most observant people too. please try and get stuff past me i dare you. i can read you like a freaking open book with bold 150 pt font. its that easy. why else would i study psychology in college. its because im good at it, but no one sees past the exterior. so why care.

fuck this shit.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

ha! this is a joke right?

well no not a joke, but yes it is odd right? me blogging...especially since i havent done it in so long. anyways as i opened my last post with yayyyyyyy you (still) have a boyfriend! hoo-rah! i am thoroughly impressed. congrats and i hope this continues to be a great thing. so as my phone plays great songs right next to me let me open up and pour every event secret and thought that has crossed me in these, well...months. lets get this out of the way first, i dont remember if i told you this or not but i saw him the other day at fish daddys. i always knew it was going to happen there. he was with his new girlfriend and i didnt care. he did not say hi or acknowledged me. i cared. i cried. i texted and called everyone i knew for comfort at a moments notice, and no one was there. so i drove. end of story. it was great wasnt it? im thinking of publishing it and making all of my life decisions based on the success of the book. i have moved on. woohoo. yes! your thinking GOD! finally its been like 9 months. ha yeah it has. and i have realized i dont miss him i miss my boyfriend. the person he was when we were together. yes i do feel completely dumb. yes you can call me dumb to my face. thats fine. i miss the person who missed me any time i wasnt with them. and what really makes this whole realization completely true is that he could be replaced by anyone and it wouldnt matter. HA! it really wouldnt matter. please anyone who wants to want me feel free because i will let you. honest. the one thing i wish someone could answer for me is how many guys would i have had a "thing" with or a relationship with if height wasnt a factor. i have had takers who didnt think height should matter. many have to tried to convince me it shouldnt matter by telling me it didnt matter to them, like that would change my mind. pshhhh amateurs. others who try to make me feel guilty into thinking it doesnt matter. but it does. sorry. i want a guy who i can look up to. literally. and be on my toes when i kiss him instead of leaning down. lets be honest, ive done that before and i hated it. so yeah i dont care what you say or think it matters to me. ive been talking to nathan for a while now, as in just tonight, but for a few hours. he wants to be a gypsy when he grows up. everytime im with my mom i seem to have an unintentional attitude and she knows it. that i have an attitude but not that its unintentional. i feel bad but i feel like everything she does is wrong and annoys me. which is wrong because she does nothing to deserve it. ive always said i wanted the ability to read minds and i still do but i would want to be the only one who could do it because if everyone could then we would have no real privacy and then we would all go insane.

contemplatively yours,

p.s. funny as hell

Monday, November 22, 2010

message in a bottle

first off....guess what?!............................................you have a boyfriend! yay

well anyways i was thinking today about perfume because ashten l told me i smelled nice so i started thinking about all of my perfume i have worn over the years which made me think of my clinique my mom got me for christmas and how i was missing the bottle. then i remembered. he took it to spray on his pillows so he could smell me before he went to bed. he kept the bottle because it was almost empty. considering i havent talked to him in about a month i texted him and asked if he still had it or thrown it away. he said he thought he threw it away. i mean no big deal its not i like i collect them or anything...but the point it is, is that i texted him and he texted me back. conversation? maybe. the real question is why do i pray every night for God to take him out of my mind when i just go and screw it all up again. i guess i havent really made any progress with that anyways so its not like it matters. yes i do still think about him daily. yes that does make me pathetic. yes i want to cry because of that fact. you said it best so im stealing your words. better yet borrowing them because you can have them back...im just too tragic for my own good.

i need a boy someone to take my mind off of this kid who is constantly in my thoughts. yes i am trying to replace bad feelings with good ones. isnt that what your suppose to do? well if not...tough shit cause thats what im doing.

if i could only find someone to do that with...

pathetically tragically and whole bunch of other synonyms,

Saturday, November 6, 2010


so you know...you took it better than i thought you would i thought it would be like oh my gosh what the hell please tell me this is a sick joke begging me to tell you it wasnt true kind of thing but no you stayed calm. maybe it was the company we were in. maybe it was just well hidden. maybe the shock didnt set in till after. or maybe there was no reaction at all and you already kind of knew, but anyways you do now and i know you have questions so call text message me or write me a letter. i dont care really im over it. over the momentousness of it. it happened. he left. im still here. last time i checked that wasnt changing. so learn and move on right? wrong. kinda...

willingly yours,

Thursday, October 28, 2010

ha yeah its been 2 months...

buckle up your chin strap boys its gonna be a long one...

i have to say i had a wonderful day definitely the best day i have had in a longggggggg time. everything just seemed to work in my favor which i really needed. i got another email, from auburn this time in alabama. ive heard its a great school from everyone i talk to they all gasp and say oh my gosh thats great but because of my lack of knowledge about the outside world that doesnt concern me i have no knowledge of any of its greatness nor any other college that has contacted me besides A&M. but none the less they invited me to come for an unofficial visit in about 2 weeks. yeah its crazy. i just have all of these questions and concerns. one part of me wants to move on to college because i believe im ready for it but another says when will you get to see your mom and talk to your friends, go home for that matter. never. thats the answer because no matter where i go (besides A&M) i wont be able to come home on the weekends like i would like. i was discussing this with my mom last night and started crying at the thought of leaving haley and kailey behind and venturing off into the world without my only true best friends. sisters is more like what they are. just the thought of that scares me. auburn is 12 hours away. thats a long drive. i just want to give up, i hate the pressure of trying to pick a school that would pick me too. i just want everything to work out in the end. i cant stand guessing games, i want to know without waiting which school i will pick and if its the right decision and how the rest of my life works out around it.

ill have to say im right there with you in the love department. when i was telling you about keith today in history i was being whole heartedly serious. i think he is soooooo attractive and he is nice and hes not trying to be ghetto and the typical "black" guy. he is doing something with his life, being productive so he can be in a good place when he is older. yes these are the times when i wish i was 5ft tall. just so i could date guys like him. oh yeah then there is evan. evan is small pale skinned kid with really soft dart hair and blue green eyes. he is gorgeous. i would probably lick things off of his body. yeah thats the other thing. he works out so hes not ripped but he is built you can tell he works on it. and it pays off. all i want to do is kiss him. this will sound terrible but i really would like one night with some one where i can get all of this pent up lustful feelings out of my system. there doesnt have to be feelings after wards or any communication what so ever. i just want one night to fool around. yes i know you are passing judgment because im a terrible person but i guess im okay with that because it doesnt change the fact that i want it to happen.

i feel alone. not because im single but because of my lack of companionship. i just want someone to be there someone i can tell stuff to, share moments with. thats what a boyfriend or girlfriend is though arent they? the people you want to spend time with. now normally this gape would be filled by haley and kailey but haley has her boyfriend thats shes all wrapped up in and i never get to see kailey. dont get me wrong i love that haley has a boyfriend and im happy for her but im definitely jealous. especially because he is such a great guy and perfect for her. they will last. that is what makes me so mad. shes my best friend i should be happy for her but i cant because of my jealously towards the fact that she has someone in her life that could potentially replace my spot in her life but only greater because he fills the best friend and the boyfriend part. its only been a month and i hardly know him but i would give a lot to be him. minus the making out with haley part, i mean i love her but not like that. then there is kailey. i never see her and when i do we cant talk because we around other people who we either dont like or cant talk in front of because they arent suppose to know what we are talking about. i miss her. it amazes me that she haley and i can all be friends and yet have completely different friendships. haley and i are the ones who stay up the entire night talking, we can have a conversation without saying a word and only looking at each others eyes, HELL! we can read each others minds so well we dont even have to talk to know what the other one is thinking. but kailey she is my rock in a way that she is always there to give me a shoulder to cry on lean on or hug. she listens to me, everything i have to say. gets me to say things that i didnt even know i felt until i started talking to her. and haley and kailey are crazy together. they are the ones you would read about in the paper the next morning for getting pulled over by the cops for just running the stop sign, but with the cops unaware of all of the illegal events beforehand. yes i dont know what i would do without these girls in my life. i really dont know how im going to deal with them being so far away. we will have to get web cams.

inexplicably yours,

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

its been over a week

so as you pointed out to me today i havent written since the first day of school. yes boo me. well since that day ive had a tournament which was okay but we went to see inception...easily my favorite movie. oh yeah and i texted him because i found out that he is talking to that jerk that was before me. yeah i know i was pissed. im not mad because he is im mad because i had to find out over facebook and that he didnt want to be friends with her in the first place and now hes talking to her. so i felt like crap and i let him know it. i told him he needed to make an effort to be my friend or we wont be friends because im tired of trying to make it work when it seems like he doesnt want to. he said i was right so we will see how it goes. we didnt have practice today which was awesome so im home 2 hours earlier than normal and im watching gilmore girls so life is pretty darn good. and today is september 1st which means colleges can officially contact me. ive gotten about 12 or 13 emails from uconn, northwestern, sfa, colorado state, leigh, loyla and a couple others. i did realize last night that as much as i tried to deny it at first that the entire purpose of this blog was for him, or more because of him. he made me think, mostly things i couldnt or didnt want to say to him but its okay i could write it on the internet and maybe he would read it and know what i was thinking. bad idea dont ever do it. so what i really got out o f this whole thought process is that because i no longer have him i no longer have anything really to write about. i had an attack of thoughts about him, i didnt want them but i couldnt stop. i think its because sometimes they make me happier but i think if i spend too long on it then i get sad so its almost like i have like this little window of time to think about him before i go into depression mode. i want to be able to stop thinking about him though, i mean obviously he has moved on so why cant i? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh its so frustrating!!!!!

nigglingly yours,

Monday, August 23, 2010

the right word is...

the first day was everything i imagined and more!!!!! i have amazing classes with a bunch of friends and fun teachers. this year will be awesome. no doubt. unlike last year when i had crappy teachers crappy classes with no friends at all. it was super. junior year will be epic. tomorrow we play cinco ranch for volleyball with means i have to see someone im not too fond of from my club team...blah oh well we will beat them and then leave no big deal but i also get to see the rest of my team this weekend at the tournament were going to...soooo excited. well i saw him yesterday i asked him if he would bring me my shorts and he wanted to meet me half way which i thought was stupid but i needed them for volleyball so we met at kroger. he gave me the shorts and we talked. i have to admit he looked good, his hair is shorter his face is shaven and his skin has cleared up and his eyes were really blue. so so blue. but we talked and that was good then we left. hugged twice but whose counting? oh yeah...i am. i did not feel like crying after i saw him though so i count that as a success. i do see ben in the hallways which is really good i texted him earlier and said hey i saw you but i didnt know if i should have said hi so i didnt and he asked why not and i explained how i felt like it would be like a sneak attack coming up from behind and just start talking but he said no he wouldnt care and that i should say hi tomorrow so...yayyyyyy i actually giggled and smiled all goofy when i read it. no i dont like him. we are friends. its just nice to not necessarily be wanted but appreciated is a better one...nope not that either i guess wanted is right just wanted in a different way. so will be saying hi tomorrow when i see him on my way to 6th period. there is also a skink in my room. that freaks me out and im trying not to be on the floor for very long periods of time hopefully it will move on by the time i wake up. oh and we got out of 20 towel pushes today thank the lord. so all in all it has been a terrific day.

more than content but not happy because that is too generic so ill stick with elatedly yours,

Saturday, August 21, 2010

making history

just got back from the tournament we got second out of the entire thing. oh yeah and we made history...no joke. it was the first time consol has ever gotten that far in this tournament. so im super tired. we played 3 games back to back to back. the first two went to 3 and the second we lost in 2. he texted me today. HA! he texted me i find success in this i asked if he wanted to hang out tomorrow before school starts but he might have to work which i cant tell if its an excuse or truth but oh well. i do need my shorts back so we will see about that. school starts on monday!!!! yayyyyyy im soooo ready! and now im really tired and cant really think of anything else to say, soooooo.....

successfully yours,