"...the most important relationship to have is with yourself...because no matter what happens you will always be with yourself."

-Diane Von Furstenberg

Monday, April 18, 2011

only by request

yes by request, you and a dear jelsew have requested i write. i dont see why honestly this just basically points out every flaw in my life and a slightly funny mostly cynical way. im sorry you are feeling this way. i know exactly what you are going through. take a listen to "something i said" by safety suit. you might have heard it. probably have. it was basically the definition of my life for what i thought was forever and it could be completely irrelevant to yours but maybe just maybe i could help in this small way. i feel like shit. complete and udder shit. i have had a constant headache for 2 days and congestion that comes and goes at the worst possible moments. this only adds on to the fact that i havent been happy lately. no thats an understatement. i can only recall 5 days in the last 5 months that i have actually felt joy for a considerable amount of time. this weekend which was full of unbelievably sketchy moments with caroline my friend from houston, and when we went to california for that tournament. the volleyball sucked ass. 26 out of 29 with 2 teams that dropped out. but all of the other time during that trip i was happy. only because of the people i was with. my club team minus 3 i feel are the only people that i actually enjoy being around these days. not to say that i dont enjoy time with you or kailey i do. but driving the hour to houston and back just to spend 2 hours with them is beyond worth it. it is a time when i can be myself and everyone is okay and loves me for it. i dont feel like i have to put on a show of yeah i am okay dont worry here let me tell a joke. at school we have so many fucking stuck up bitches i just want to punch them all in the fucking face. im tired of it. and as much as i would love to call them out on it and i would but then i would become an outcast. more than i already am. yeah youre saying jaclyn thats not true, really? its not? who do i hang out with in this town? name 2. oh yeah you cant because there is only one. kailey. she is the only friend who is always there for me. god i love that kid. no one else. i am alone. fuck that shit. im ready to get out of here. sign for college at WSU and get the fuck out of texas and get to kansas so i can start new with people who might actually like me and not just talk to me because i talk to them. do you know how many people have told me about how they have heard i am a bitch. or they dont like me because i have an attitude. fuck that. fuck them. they dont even know me or know anything about me. im tall and i play volleyball thats all they know. and they make judgement on that. cool. good to know everyone here likes to give people chances. make new friends, be open minded. open minded, thats one thing i am always. i hate ignorant close minded people. god no one deserves to be judged then exiled because they would rather where boxers and date girls instead of a thong and sleep with any guy they can find. this probably doesnt even make sense anymore. im just tired of it. i see the looks people give me when i say something bluntly or what they consider not socially acceptable. the rolling of the eyes and the occasional sigh. they think they are being conspicuous but they arent. im one of the most observant people too. please try and get stuff past me i dare you. i can read you like a freaking open book with bold 150 pt font. its that easy. why else would i study psychology in college. its because im good at it, but no one sees past the exterior. so why care.

fuck this shit.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

ha! this is a joke right?

well no not a joke, but yes it is odd right? me blogging...especially since i havent done it in so long. anyways as i opened my last post with yayyyyyyy you (still) have a boyfriend! hoo-rah! i am thoroughly impressed. congrats and i hope this continues to be a great thing. so as my phone plays great songs right next to me let me open up and pour every event secret and thought that has crossed me in these, well...months. lets get this out of the way first, i dont remember if i told you this or not but i saw him the other day at fish daddys. i always knew it was going to happen there. he was with his new girlfriend and i didnt care. he did not say hi or acknowledged me. i cared. i cried. i texted and called everyone i knew for comfort at a moments notice, and no one was there. so i drove. end of story. it was great wasnt it? im thinking of publishing it and making all of my life decisions based on the success of the book. i have moved on. woohoo. yes! your thinking GOD! finally its been like 9 months. ha yeah it has. and i have realized i dont miss him i miss my boyfriend. the person he was when we were together. yes i do feel completely dumb. yes you can call me dumb to my face. thats fine. i miss the person who missed me any time i wasnt with them. and what really makes this whole realization completely true is that he could be replaced by anyone and it wouldnt matter. HA! it really wouldnt matter. please anyone who wants to want me feel free because i will let you. honest. the one thing i wish someone could answer for me is how many guys would i have had a "thing" with or a relationship with if height wasnt a factor. i have had takers who didnt think height should matter. many have to tried to convince me it shouldnt matter by telling me it didnt matter to them, like that would change my mind. pshhhh amateurs. others who try to make me feel guilty into thinking it doesnt matter. but it does. sorry. i want a guy who i can look up to. literally. and be on my toes when i kiss him instead of leaning down. lets be honest, ive done that before and i hated it. so yeah i dont care what you say or think it matters to me. ive been talking to nathan for a while now, as in just tonight, but for a few hours. he wants to be a gypsy when he grows up. everytime im with my mom i seem to have an unintentional attitude and she knows it. that i have an attitude but not that its unintentional. i feel bad but i feel like everything she does is wrong and annoys me. which is wrong because she does nothing to deserve it. ive always said i wanted the ability to read minds and i still do but i would want to be the only one who could do it because if everyone could then we would have no real privacy and then we would all go insane.

contemplatively yours,

p.s. funny as hell