"...the most important relationship to have is with yourself...because no matter what happens you will always be with yourself."

-Diane Von Furstenberg

Friday, July 30, 2010

blah blah blah

haley and kailey spent the night last night. haley is now talking to garrison. we went to the pool yesterday all four of us and they hit it off. its good. yes its good. not jealous. good. we then snuck out and went to kolby graffs house and played truth or dare till about 2 in the morning. that was fun. got my mind off things. i guess not thinking about it for that long means i had to make up for lost time. so its all hitting me now at once. yes i mean thinking about him. shoot me please.

short with her words,

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

read my mind

5 minutes ago i was in a good productive mood and then i got on facebook and looked at some new pictures cara put up. shes his best friends girlfriend who i love and am really bummed i dont get to see anymore. so now im sad. couldnt run tonight kailey couldnt go so were getting up nice and early to do it in the morning. yayyyy....not yay. ugh im tired of this i dont feel like im getting any faster and they make my lungs hurt. maybe it will be easier in the morning. im suppose to hang out with haley and kailey tomorrow and tye dye shirts then kailey will spend the night. which is always fun. i love kailey i do but honestly i havent been able to take hearing her talk about colby all the time not like just normal comments but its like he has been gone a lot lately so about every 5 seconds she says i miss him or hes gone or why isnt he texting me back. im just yelling in my head "GOD!!! you know he and i broke up you know im not over it you know i miss him and you know i would do anything to get him back. atleast you can still talk to colby." when he and i text its nothing. crapy conversation. if i had known that night would have screwed us over this bad i would go back and never let it happen. i would do anything to go back. go back with what i know now and prevent the breakup from ever happening but i cant. so im still single. and kailey still complains about colby. and i still want to punch her in the face everytime she says something like that. but i cant. we are best friends and im suppose to listen and help her deal with her problems just like she listens and helps me with mine. so i will continue to shut up listen and silently wish for her to just stop talking. wow...kailey, you might be reading this soooo dont take it personally, i was venting. UGHHHH well now im going to work on my english so i can get my mom off my jock about it.

frustratedly yours,

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


challenge day is something we need at our school. the problem? no one at our school would take it seriously. but heres what i would say...

if you really knew me...

...you would know that i laugh when i want to cry. im loud because it makes people laugh and when people laugh they are having fun right? if they are having fun they would want to be around me and like me. then i would have friends. but no thats not how i am. if you really knew me you would know that im not comfortable with how i am. i mean i like being tall sometimes but i get made fun of for it. some people come up and say man i wish i was that tall but they dont really. if they knew how everything is different for me. i get called a beast a giant a monster, it hurts. my mom tries to tell me oh they are jealous, no thats not it. they could care less how tall they are. im tired of it all im tired of walking down the hall and have people say man look at her she is huge. people say im fat. and thats something ive always had to work on and ive always been insecure about. so throwing it back in my face is low.

maybe thats why im so focused on him still. normally i would deal with it and it would be done and move on. but i think its because he saw me for me and not my appearance. i was accepted by him and i dont want to loose that. and i feel like i am.

im tired now and dont really know what im talking about. so goodnight.

too many thoughts to process,

Monday, July 26, 2010

this is all i have to say today....

shoulder hurts. open gym was bad. ran 18 hundreds not timed. got some questions answered. waiting for school. will probably not finish my english class.

short...wait...tall and sweet and to the point,

Sunday, July 25, 2010

john mayer reads my mind

im lonely. there i said it. im lonely. im tired of doing nothing all of the time. ben stopped texting me. he wont talk to me for more than 10 minutes. im tired of being led on im tired of always wondering if he has thought about me at all im tired of always thinking about him. i want it to stop but i dont know what to do. ive tried to see if he wants to hang out but he always has to "run errands". bull. no you dont. you just dont want to hang out or see me at all. this wouldnt bother me as much as it does if he had been straight up with me. if he had just said hey i cant really be friends i dont think it would be best for either of us i could handle that. just dont give me false hope.

simply yours,

edge of desire

well i woke up and went to lunch with my mom then we went shopping i got:
  • 3 pairs of underwear
  • 2 shirts
  • 1 bottle of perfume
  • jar
came home waited for kailey to get off work to see if we were going to run. she worked a long shift so she didnt want to so i went to her house and we watched movies. my shoulder hurts it keeps making the awful popping noises every now and then and is basically useless. my mom got me a cool thing that specifically for icing your shoulder so its like attached to you. i love it. everyone i texted today would stop texting in the middle of the conversation which made me mad but oh well tomorrow should uneventful.

Young and full of running
Tell me where has that taken me?
Just a great figure eight or a tiny infinity?

Love is really nothing
But a dream that keeps waking me,
For all of my trying
We still end up dying, how can it be?

Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me,
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see,
I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believed,
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me.

So young and full of running, all the way to the edge of desire
Steady my breathing, silently screaming,
"I have to have you now"
Wired and I'm tired
Think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor
Maybe this mattress will spin on its axis and find me on yours

Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me

Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me

edge of desire by john mayer. basically how im feeling in every way. now i know what your thinking, this is not for him this is not for ben. this is not for a boy or anyone for that matter. its just how im feeling. i need to be needed, want to be wanted. nothing more.

spelling it out as best i can,

Friday, July 23, 2010


this one is gonna be short sweet and to the point.

today was the last day of camp which im really happy about because i liked it and i had fun but it was tiring. i liked the coaches and the way they talked to us so i might send my information to the college they coach at. but between secessions my mom and i were going to see if we could get our phones today because 4 days ago we were 3rd on the list but when we went in we were 5th. crap i know. so i got mad and went back to camp. where i proceeded to dislocate my shoulder again. fantastic. the good part though was that i made an amazing dig in the process. after camp i went to wings with kailey and then to spoons while i was driving home i got a call from the spring store saying hey you can come get your phones. i was excited. so i called my dad and we got our phones. im walking out of the store and tried to call my mom but i couldnt hear her unless i was on speaker so went back in and he got me a new phone. i got it went home showered. talked to my mom and played on my phone for a long time. then texted him to see if i could get the stuffed animals he bought me back. your thinking wow your such a jerk jack, how could you do that? well i just realized that i basically gave away all physical memories of ever having him in the first place which made me sad because he was my first. plus i just really liked the animals. he said yes so im happy but i dont think he is. his first text came with a smiley face and then they turned into short and what i think to be mad texts. or atleast what his mad texts used to be like. eh i dont know ill try and talk to him tomorrow. now i think ill text ben.

blahdidy blahdidy blah yours,

Thursday, July 22, 2010

lazy  [ley-zee] –adjective 1. averse or disinclined to work, activity, or exertion; indolent.

im tired and i have to get up early today...so this is what im going to do. im going to make a list of what happened today that i normally would talk about and expand on. so here it is...

today consisted of:

  • taking on quiz for my class
  • doing nothing all morning
  • not going to the sprint store
  • going to camp for volleyball
  • having fun at camp
  • come home eat snack
  • chat with ben on facebook
  • go back to camp play well, not as much fun because of exhaustion
  • get a text from him
  • talked to him
  • he stopped
  • met casey at jimmy johns for dinner
  • went into target with casey to buy tampons
  • got in car
  • drove home
  • took shower
  • wrote in blog
thats it. i may chat ben back now because i told him i would text him but didnt because he didnt respond when i told him i would text him so i think chat may be safer. i might get my new phone tomorrow if the coaches decide not to move the secession up and hour. i have to wake up tomorrow at 7:45 for camp at 9...yay. eh at least we dont get punished.

always on the brightside unless i dont feel like it,

he just texted me.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

decisions and goals

i was at kaileys last night...

...we went to teen night at grand station which just means unlimited bowling and lazer tag. ben went to so he and his friends bowled next to us which was fun i got to talk to him. we only bowled one game and then left because we were bored so we decided to go to spoons and then bring it to marble slab because he was working and it was time to close so it would make him mad. but the line was out the door so we just went to marble slab instead and got ice cream. i walked in he didnt acknowledge me. were off to a great start. i got really tired all the sudden and really didnt want to be there anymore so i went and sat down without getting anything. then i started talking to everyone and i decided to get something he asked me what i wanted. i said you know what i want i dont even need to tell you so he got the birthday cake and then proceeded to put RECCES in it!!! i put cookie dough so i was hey man what the heck how many times have you made me ice cream and your getting it wrong. and then he had to think about what he did wrong! wow yeah way to go man thats just fantastic. and then he didnt put marsh mellows in...which i have been getting the last 4 times he has made my ice cream. he asked since when did you start putting marsh mellows in. i really just wanted to hit him. i mean really come on. so while he was fixing other stuff i started to play around with the display cups no big deal i was causing no harm and then while he had his back turned i pretended to take a dollar out of the tip jar to mess with him and he thought i was being serious. when we left oh man it was great, he still has the key chain i gave him on his work key and then he didnt even say by to me. so were driving home and i get a text saying what the heck why were you acting like that? so i said acting like what? response: you know what you were doing. reply: what are you talking about? response: ok whatever reply: no what are you talking about? then he wouldnt text me back so i called him and he didnt answer so i called him back about 20 minutes later and he answered but he was still closing so he couldnt talk then so he said we would talk about it later. so i said fine. we talked later it was all a bunch of crap he thought i was acting weird which i wasnt i was acting completely normal. ugh. its just drama and im tired of it. it doesnt even feel like he wants to be friends which he says he does. we talked earlier today and now its good i think well i hope i dont like fighting with him. i just want to still be able to hang out with him like we talked about and that hasnt happened. but anyways i was texting ben all last night too so that made it all a little bit better. kailey and haley made me watch paranormal activity which is a terrible movie i would not recommend it to anyone because it is terrifying and then we watched last house on the left and i even said i really didnt want to watch it because i wouldnt be about to sleep and they would fall asleep and i would be alone and freaking out. and it really pissed me off because they were respecting the fact that it really bothered me. they kept saying its not even scary stop being such a baby. i have never wanted to hit her so much ever. i was so mad. they said they would stay up with me but guess what happened? i was awake and they were asleep. i was up till 5:30 in the morning playing solitare until i finally found a song that calmed me down enough that i might be able to sleep so i put it on repeat and it played for 5 hours straight. so its great im still freaking out about it and now im even at my own house. next time im picking the movies and i dont care what they think about it. there its decided.

tomorrow is team camp. yay. its not that bad really but im not completely sure yet. OH! there is a possibility of me getting my new phone tomorrow which im sooooo excited about oh man you have no idea and with that i am now really tired. maybe the melatonin will over power the fear and make me sleep harder with no dreams. that would be fantastic. a nice dreamless full nights sleep. thats my new goal.

my mind says let go.
my heart says fight.

numb to it all,

Monday, July 19, 2010

on the brightside...

i got 7 hours of sleep. not good. i woke up ate breakfast that consisted of recces puffs and then worked on my english. im finally finished reading the crucible. you dont know how excited i am about that fact. most ridiculously stupid story ever. but now all i have to do is take one more quiz over it and then write a paper over it which i plan on b.s.-ing all the way. only because it was really hard for me to concentrate therefore i really didnt pay attention to some important things. but then i went to lunch with kailey and then to open gym where i got to wear my new shoes. that guess what?! are a size 12 1/2!!!! they are awweeesommeeeeeee. so i told my mom we need to order more. i got home from volleyball planning on finishing my lesson that i started earlier that morning but ended up falling asleep and just woke up and hour and half ago. terrific. oh and you will be happy to know that he is doing a great job of being friends. he hasnt texted me and i will not text him unless its about my stuff which i still havent gotten back. let me just go ahead and ask how in the world can you give yourself to someone in every single way and mean it then walk away 2 weeks later...you cant. so hey hermione can i borrow your time turner? cause i really wish i could go back and make this have a different outcome then it did. i did see brandon, one of his friends, today i guess i could call him my friend too. i pulled up next to him at a stop light and waved talked then turned left because the light turned green. ive been talking to his friends more than i have been talking to him. his fault. anyways its my night to text ben first we talked for over 2 hours again last night. i already texted him...about 45 minutes ago. he hasnt texted back. eh maybe he will be on facebook after i post this. which is now.

my mind says let go.
my heart says fight.

ambivalently yours,

p.s. maybe my jeans will come tomorrow :)

Sunday, July 18, 2010

just another day

okay anna so i reread it and i still dont get what you were saying during appetizers...

well i woke up got bombarded by my dad saying come help me with the garage. i was still in my pjs and he wants me to get dressed and help him with cleaning out the garage...normally this isnt something to get upset about but the way he said it then he started to say my room is pathetic and its disgusting. then he moved in to my bathroom and said the same thing. he always does this so im used to it but at the same time his room is never dirty because my mom cleans it. and my room isnt even dirty!! there are shoes on the ground where they always are and i think a shirt and a pair of shorts at the end of my bed but thats it. anyways we got the garage done and it really wasnt that bad. OH! last night i forgot. well i had this strange obsession with a guy named ben in 8th grade and it lasted through 9th grade then i finally got over it. but last night i sent him a chat thing on facebook and we talked for about two hours. crazy! we havent talked since the end of 9th grade. i dont know it was just really weird especially because we used to talk all the time and we basically just picked up where we left off. when he said he had to go to bed he said i could text him tomorrow or he would text me and im thinking ahhhh yessss im so excited because this is a friend that i was really bummed that i lost. so i told him to text me and ive been waiting all day and he finally just texted me. im glad i didnt wait for the text because my original plan was to wait till he texted me and then text johnathan to see if he would bring my stuff over so i would be texting him while he was over. johnathan hates him. so i dont know i guess its kinda like ha ha ha now look what you lost. but that never happened obviously because ben just texted me. i did talk to johnathan though, we are friends and he doesnt have his car back yet. thats basically all i got out of him. so thats basically it about all of that. i did go to church tonight except it wasnt church it was a dinner. a progressive dinnner. appetizers at one persons house dinner at another and dessert at another. so it was all fun got to see you (anna) celina and paige. paige really isnt my favorite, never has been but it was fun and she was pleasant so it was good. i ordered some clothes when got home too. well it was a dress 2 sets of 4 count bracelets and my backpack for next year. plus those jeans i got the other day, man im bankin in the clothes department...oh man...thats it now im doing nothing with my nonexciting life but blogging and checking facebook every 5 minutes to find nothing has changed. i know, you wish you could be me.

routinely yours,

Saturday, July 17, 2010

the old messges hurt the most

well we did not go running this morning which means because i had already planned on taking a shower in the morning, i still had to. i cant take showers in the morning it just doesnt work for me. i need the water extra hot because i get so cold and it because it is so hot it makes me tired because its warm and toasty. therefore creating the dilemma of falling asleep in the shower. but on the plus side take a shower in the morning gave me amazing hair i mean honestly i was really annoyed that i had to waste this amazing hair day on helping my sister move. i ended up putting it in a pony tail and pinning my bangs back. total waste. blah. oh well just means ill have to get used to taking showers in the morning for special occasions. we helped my sister move in to her house today and i was right its her 4th house since she has been married. she has been moving every year since 2000. isnt that crazy?! well its a nice house and they are doing a swell job on it and im thinking this house will actually stick and they will stay for a while. thankfully we got to leave around 4. i love my sister and chris but i was really just tired i had been up for a long time and been doing a lot of stuff so i just needed a nap. which is what i did for half the way home. but i got home and texted kailey and we went and ran so it made me feel better that we still got that in. we got 10 tonight in time. made me happy except i would really like my left love handle to stop aching that would be great. kailey said that he got yelled at at work today for not doing the chores he is suppose to do. which is really unlike him, he is normally on top of everything and getting work done. kailey has been saying that he keeps trying to take off and stuff and get people to cover his shifts which also doesnt sound like him. she said she found him sitting in the back texting instead of working which is really really unlike him and she said hes been doing it a lot lately. i just want to know who he was texting and whats going on. it makes me wonder if he really is talking to the smack talking jerk and just not telling me because he doesnt want to upset me. i mean i would be disappointed if they were talking just because he said he was done with her and then he had a two month fling with me and goes back to her after calling her a bitch all the time. im texting him about my stuff tomorrow because i still havent gotten it back and maybe we could hang out as friends because i think im ready to move into the friends stage. i did reread his texts i saved this morning. all of his poems and his feelings and i just think how do you go from saying you are whats makes me happy you are my world your the only one for me all i need is you to be happy to i just want to be friends? thats what doesnt make any sense to me and why i doubted his feelings were ever true. i wrote him a letter that i gave him with all of his stuff when i gave it back and i said that his love must have been a lie because you cant flip like that in 2 weeks. and i guess that hurt him i dont know but its kinda like good im glad that hurt because thats not even close to how bad you hurt me. anyways maybe tomorrow will be good and we can talk and get everything out in the open. sorry anna im sure your tired of hearing this never ending nonsense of my now nondating im still not over my ex boyfriend talk. i just think about him all the time. no joke constantly. one of his messages said your the first one i think of when i wake up and the last one i think of when i fall asleep. that is me right now. i just think what is he doing? is he thinking about me? what im doing? does he miss me? well obviously not because he has made no effort at all to talk to me but apparently hes pretty chatty with someone while he should be working. GAH! im tired of this. atleast there is good music on pandora tonight. probably the best part of my day.

ill fight for you.

questionally yours,

Friday, July 16, 2010

well, if the jeans fit...

today i woke up to my phone ringing at 9:15, it was my dad, i was not happy. he was telling me i had to work. something he did not tell me last night so i planned on working on the dreaded english work all day. but no i had to work so i filed paper and then went home. it was a joke. i did work on my english though i did another quiz, its not as far as i would have liked to get but its still progress. then i continued to sit around and watch tv but on the plus side i did not sit and snack all day i didnt really eat that much at all granted it wasnt healthy stuff but it wasnt a lot. then thinking man i should really see if kailey wants to go do some sprints so we can get ready and she said she had already ran that morning so we are going to run at 6 in the morning tomorrow and then i will come home and take a shower. travel to georgetown to help my sister move and then come home. some people might call it helping family out, i call it distraction from him. i saw on facebook that he and smack talking jerk of an ex just became friends so it makes me wonder if he deleted her or something or she deleted him...man i wish i could know. i plan on texting him sunday to see if im going to get my stuff back and maybe if we could hang out. i dont even know if i should i mean is it a good idea? would it be wise? i dont know but i do know i just popped my neck both ways and it felt really good...dont judge ha well like i said ive got an early morning and a long day. yay i get to explain why i dont have a boyfriend for the 50,000 time and this time to my smart ass of a sister who will give me crap for it. great. my dad said it best, we wouldnt be his children if we werent smart asses...yeah even he knows its from his side. im gonna sleep if i can im not really tired tonight maybe just half a melatonin will be enough to make me sleep but still allow me to actually wake up when i need to. huh... i guess ill try it, ill take the smaller half.

on a lighter note i got a pair of skinny jeans. finally! hollister on clearence $17.95. get excited.

ill fight for you.

ilequippedly yours,

Thursday, July 15, 2010

so...just kidding

i like that i even thought for a second that i would be able to keep him out of this...wow obviously im insane. and of course your thinking oh my gosh get over it jaclyn so he broke up with you move on its not that big of a deal. well if you think that then *bad word* you! it was more than that. today i was on facebook and one of his friends who i met and really liked had a birthday today and so i went to see if he wrote on her wall, he didnt, but guess who did....his ex before me. the one who called me an ogre. sweet isnt she. well i clicked on her profile just because im not really a big fan of hers, wanna guess why? well anyways, i clicked it and guess whose in her profile picture besides her...standing next to her...very close...well obviously you have no clue so im gonna tell you. it was him. i honestly almost started crying. tears came to my eyes. i wanted to text him and be like wow i like the picture but i didnt want to start something so i finally gave in and said are you talking to her again? response...who? reply...carla. response...no we are just friends. reply...okay. end of conversation. but it still made me sad to see her with him standing so close and well together-ish. the one thing that makes me have that little feeling of HA take that is he had no pictures before we started dating and now the only pictures he has is of me and him together at prom...HA HA!!! take that. i do want to know though does he miss me? does he think about me atleast half as much as i do him? does he want to text me? does he still want to be friends? and is there a reason i havent gotten my stuff back yet? like you want to keep it because its mine and you cant let go? if only that was true. i really want to know the answers to the questions. so i mean if your reading this let me know it would make me feel better. and thats another question, does he still read this? he said he had been the last time i saw him but that was before he told me it was really over. did i mention i wanted to cry.

well my mother is sick. she has a virus. its a childrens virus called the hand foot and mouth virus. she has it in her mouth right now and she has been in so much pain. the medicine the doctor gave her isnt doing anything and i dont know what to do. i mean its a virus you have to let it run its course but she has been waking up in the middle of the night crying because it hurts so bad. hearing about my mom crying especially when she is in pain makes me get a sick feeling in my stomach and all over i feel weak. i hope she gets better soon its only suppose to last a week and it started sunday. were suppose to go help my sister and her husband move into their new house....again. its like their 4th house and they just had their one year aniversary in may...yeah i know. i miss her i havent seen her in a long time and i havent seen chris either. GAH! i need to work on my english!! i was suppose to work on it tonight but like i knew i would i didnt. atleast i know what im doing all day tomorrow...yay.

ill fight for you.

too many things to just pick one-ly yours,

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


again i didnt write last night because i had friends over....

well he answered those questions...i cried for about 2 hours. its over. kailey did give me some advice she said that this same thing happened to her and her boyfriend but she gave him space, she didnt text him didnt talk to him at all and he realized that he missed her and it was just a weird thing that happened and they are back together. so i guess that gives me some hope that maybe it will happen for me. i gave all of his stuff back including everything he gave me because it reminded me of him too much. it hurt. it would just sit there and mock me about all of the good times we had and how i lost him and its not going to happen again....the thing is i really cant write about this because its already been a day and ive kind of forced him from my mind. dont get me wrong hes always on my mind but its more of i refuse to dwell on it. today wasnt hard either i didnt have to fight myself about texting him i never really wanted to, now if he had texted me i would have texted him back but it wasnt a constant fight like the way it was before. so now im done talking about it ive dedicated too much of this blog to him and only him and that was not the purpose of it. hes not apart of my life the way he was before so he wont be apart of my blog the way he was before.

i finally had kailey and haley spend the night last night, hence the no post, and granted we didnt stay up as late we still had fun. it was good doing something that we havent done in so long. especially since it used to be a ritual, sleepovers every other weekend, rotating houses of course. but now i sit here because i got 4 hours of sleep and that doesnt really work with me. plus kailey and i drove around the world and back searching the obviously nonexistent by the success of our mission, antenna balls for our cars. so that contributed to my exhaustion as well. in addition to that im only half way through my 3rd lesson of my 9 lesson English class so obviously i need to work on it. which i planned on doing tomorrow but my dad said he wants me to work tomorrow. i need money because i currently have 1 dollar in my wallet which im pretty sure i promised to kailey to pay her back for something, but its almost like i want to say no i need to work on my English work because i wont get it done. UGH! well now im very tired and its getting more difficult to type so goodnight my avid readers....HA!! yeah thats funny! i say that like theres a whole lot of people hahaha i only know of 4 people besides myself that read it...so goodnight anna because im pretty sure your really the only person who really does keep up with it. thanks for listening to my venting/feelings/hysterics.

ill fight for you.

pathetically yours,

Monday, July 12, 2010

because we are friends

I love you more
Than the sun
and the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too

I love you, yesterday and today

Through the joy and the pain

I'll say it again and again

I love you more

I love you more

And I see you
And I made you

And I love you more than you can imagine

More than you can fathom

I love you more than the sun

And you shine for me

well i went to bed at 12:30 last night and slept till 11. i call that a win. major success. only because i havent been able to sleep that great lately and i mean this was intense sleep. so yes i am happy...well about that. i woke up got dressed and helped my mom finish her school shopping at wal mart, came home and he texted me....yes HE texted me. it was about lunch so i got dressed for that. yes completely different outfit and i put on make up...i mean how am i suppose to win him back if i dont look good...well i mean as good as i can without looking like im trying. we went to lunch, taco bell of course, and we sat and talked. he looked good. i honestly had to stop myself a couple times from touching him. we hugged and i wanted more. more than a hug. a kiss? see the thing is if we kissed i dont know if i could stop there i mean like i wouldnt be able to do it once. if i knew that our last kiss would be our last i would have made it better, last longer, and savor it more than i did. but i mean it cant happen because we are friends and friends dont kiss. so he took me home and on the way home i did say part of what i wanted to say about how i dont mean to make him feel bad or get on his case for stuff, its not my job and i have no business doing it. but the whole time he was talking he had his hand on the middle console. the place where he used to put it to signal for me to grab it and hold tight. but i couldnt because we are friends and friends dont hold hands. he dropped me off and i got to hug him twice which im not even kidding made me feel a lot better. but once again watching him drive off hurt. when i got inside i went into a mini depression again. but i hid it because i didnt want to be like that so me and my mom went school supplies shopping, something i love doing. i got some stuff not all of it but some. came home and watched tv. shocking i know because i never do that anymore. kailey called later and we went to go practice our sprints for volleyball tryouts. we got through 8 in the right amount of time so thats good. we have to do 18 so its really not that bad. but then it happened the same thing that happens every time i start training for this. i started cramping. your thinking cramps arent bad but these cramps...these are bad cramps. these make me feel like i want to throw up and i never throw up. they make my entire body hurt and theres nothing i can do except let them pass. paralyzing pain is what it is. well anyways he is suppose to call me tonight to talk because i didnt say everything i wanted to. i dont know if its even the right time. its only been 4 days since that terrible thing happened, 4 depressing, i dont know what to do because it feels like my other half is missing, days. i just want to know if there is a chance because if there is great then i will continue to wait because its worth it to me. but if there isnt then tell me because i cant keep my hopes up and keep feeling like this if i cant ever have him again. it takes too much out of me. my mom is even asking me about this, she can see im not myself with out him. it would be better for my health, mental physical and emotional, for him to just tell me. thats all i want to know. i want him back. so bad. but i cant say that because we are friends and friends dont do that.

i love you.

yearningly yours,

Sunday, July 11, 2010

too much?

no i didnt write last night because i had people over for the night and i thought i might be rude. so here i am to make up for 2 nights.

kaileys parents went out of town so she spent the night at my house and i invited ashley because i was with her the other night and i had fun so i thought, hey! why not?! so kailey called me and said im hungry lets go to wings n more so i called ashley and said hey kailey wants wings ill come pick you up. as i started to back out of my driveway i didnt swing the back end enough to the right and then over corrected and went into the tree in my driveway. yes i know your thinking wow way to go jack. poor lucy was injured in the proces, her driver side rear view mirror got knocked off...so im out of a car. great. my parents werent that mad they just said we will get it fixed so i mean ill probably have to work it off but it will get fixed. so kailey drove and while at wings ashley got a call about a party. so were like hey why not we can stop by. we were thinking hey yeah party when we got there, there were 3 guys = 2 freshmen and a senior who seemed like a freshman and 2 freshman girls. all sitting in a garage listening to music. now i know what your thinking...your thinking man these kids party hard i want to be them so bad no one is cooler than that. its okay i know how you feel. but we were there for 20 minutes and then came back to my house where i texted him...yes yes i did. i told him we went to a party because i really didnt know what else to call it. he gets mad. no joke. honestly? how do you get mad at me when you broke up with me? were not together so why do you care? he said yeah were not together but i didnt go out and party... to which i say whoa hold up...first off it really wasnt a party there were 5 people there and second do you expect me to continue and sit at home doing nothing but watching tv eating writing in this excessively annoying blog and being depressed!?! man i got so mad. if you care so much what im doing then why the hell are we apart in the first place?! God, i just really dont know anymore im tired of this kind of stuff but im tired of making him apologize too, because thats not my goal and i feel terrible everytime he does it. i mean how the heck am i suppose to win him back if im just being bitchy all the time? im really not trying to be but i dont really know what to do anymore. i just want to talk to him which i tried to last night but he couldnt. which brings me to today...he suppose to call me tonight well soon i hope because its half an hour to midnight...it would be so much better if i knew what he was thinking. if i knew why he feels the way he does. why he would get mad if i went to an attempt of a party. why he says he wants to talk when he ends the conversation 5 minutes into it. and better yet...why is it so hard for me to live a normal life when i dont have him.

God, i love him so much...maybe too much.

perplexedly yours,

Saturday, July 10, 2010


today was better. i didnt cry. which is good because i really thought i would. i came close to it though i wanted to too just to get some more out but i didnt. watching him drive off is the worst part. i just feel like oh if i wait one more second then he will come back and realize that he made a mistake. but no it didnt happen. we went and saw a movie today. i got there and we hugged, good start i guess we talked till we got into the theater and then we watched. i kept finding myself wanting to hold his hand or touch him in some way. we did touch once it was by accident though like his hand was on the arm rest and my arm just happen to be barely touching him. that small touch made my heart jump. no lie. then he moved to where we werent touching. my jumping heart fell to the floor. i was thinking wow we have been through all of this and now he cant even touch me. i felt like trash. unwanted. but thats what i am right? unwanted? because if i was wanted all of this would have never happened. i want to ask if any of his feelings have changed and i dont mean like a complete turn around i just mean like any change at all has it gotten better? worse? God forbid worse. i dont know if i could handle that. oh wait yeah i know i couldnt. all day ive thought of nothing but him. everything i do reminds me of him. all of my stories. all of my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. are about him. i keep telling myself oh dont worry it will only be a week then he will realize that he does want to be with me. maybe two weeks. then i think what if he doesnt...that will be the day of never ending tears. i miss him. is that wrong? i miss the way he called me babe. i miss his goofy smile he always had on when we would first meet up. but i can hardly remember the smile because towards the end it wasnt there. thats when i could tell things were changing. i would get to his house and he would walk straight to the car. i feel like ive already said this. but i dont care. he would get in the car finish the text he was typing and he finally say hi. no hug no kiss no nothing. thats when i felt the worst. but even if thats happened it doesnt matter because i know thats when he started to feel different and that doesnt change the fact that i love him and he is what makes me happy. everyone keeps calling him an asshole for breaking up with me, he even calls himself that but its not true. since when does following your heart and doing whats best for you make you an asshole? yeah he broke my heart in the process but in the end i want him to be happy.

i love you.

confoundedly yours,

Thursday, July 8, 2010

emptiest feeling in the world

i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. last nights post sucked because he told me that he started to think of me more as a friend than a girlfriend. i could tell something had changed i mean it was pretty obvious. but God when i read that i dont think that my heart could have dropped any lower. we were on the phone thats why i didnt really write. i was crushed my eyes too blurry from tears to be able to see the screen anyways. he said he could be wrong that it could just be a weird thing thats happening but no it was all too real. we talked this morning. i was crying on and off all day but we decided to meet at sonic after he got off work. it was one of our normal things to just go sit at sonic and talk for hours. once he got in my car he hugged me and i lost it. started balling immediately. we talked for an hour and he said he wants to give friends a try to see if he really still wants to be with me. i understand i mean i want whats best for him and if being with me isnt it then we dont need to be together. is it so selfish that i want to be with him anyways? i mean atleast i would get to call him mine. but so we are broken up. the worst part ever since i read that last night i knew it would happen. i asked if there was hope for us to get back together and he said yes...i want to believe it so bad because i dont want to lose him. its too soon for me i cant just let him go like that hes too big a part of my life. he said he still loves me and that none of his feelings have changed for me but how can that be true if this is whats happening. thats why im so frustrated because it just doesnt make sense to me. once we decided that we were friends we just talked for a little bit messed around i was actually smiling and laughing. only a mask over the hurt i was feeling. we got out of the car to say goodbye, only a hug that wasnt anywhere near long enough for me to say goodbye to him like that, but we did. i got back in my car and started crying like never before. body shaking, choking, sobbs. he pulled behind me to where i could see him and started waving...i have never felt more hurt. i pulled out behind him and came to the stop signs where we would go in opposite directions. i couldnt even look at him, i pulled out and my eyes got so flooded with tears that i couldnt see the road. i kept going though there was nothing else i could do. i cried all the way home and when i got there realized that my mom was home. that i wasnt expecting. she smiled at me as i got out of the car saw my face then immediately turned away. i walked inside and lost it i hugged my mom and she held me while i cried; but, it wasnt her that i wanted to hold me. the person i wanted was the one who caused all this hurt and pain. i cried for another good 3o minutes and then tried to calm down. it didnt work. ive still been crying off and on all day and now as i sit here and am typing this tragic story that im sorry to call my day, tears just stream down my face. we are suppose to go see a movie tomorrow that we have had planned for a while but just as friends now and i dont even know if ill be able to get through that with out crying. ill probably end up getting to my car and crying all over again like i did today. its a good thing i left those tissues in there. he told me to text him but i couldnt and he eventually ended up texting me. we talked for a little bit but he would keep ending the conversation. i finally asked him if he even wanted to talk to me he said yes and i said okay, end of conversation. oh yeah, he really wants to talk to me. i asked him if he was okay and he (eventually) said no, i really didnt have to ask i could tell by his voice but still. i still stand by what i told him: i want to feel bad that he feels the way he does but he did it to himself, this was his decision. and he knows that. now i, i get to feel like shit (pardon the language but i feel the situation warrens it). i get to be sad, i get to be depressed and oh wait, i was. all day. i hardly talked to anyone, well except kailey because she came over to talk about it, and ive harldly eaten. i stayed in bed all day and watched gilmore girls. thats i what i get to do because this was done to me. but if he feels so bad shouldnt that tell him that it was the wrong decision? i dont know thats how i think of it but obviously im wrong because were not back together now are we. my eyes burn from all of the tears ive cried while writing this. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.

happy 2 month anniversary. i love you.

singularly yours,


sorry this is so late anna

words cannot describe how i feel right now...

...i love you

(this) yours,

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


as i sit here i have a huge headache that ive had since 5:43 today. they have become a regular part of my day recently and i believe the cause is not going to the chiropractor as often as i used to. but no fear! i have an appointment for 10:30 tomorrow morning.

today we had our mandatory but not necessary tryouts for club. mandatory so all the people actually trying out can see the competition and not just see the people trying out because as we all know skill can vary. and not necessary because if you played the year before and didnt suck then you got invited back to play the next year. so my whole team went just to play, it was good seeing them today and i didnt play too bad considering the pain i was in with my back (another need for the chiro) and my toes (i need new shoes desperately). we ended the try out by playing ninja and i five stared myself...it turned purple and my mom took a picture. you can view it above and to your left. yes i know your thinking, thank you captain obvious. but i said it for the stupid people. so there. and the line you see there where my hand cuts off but is still noticeable, is my spandex line...

told him i would text him after my shower around 7:30...i have not texted him back because he did the same thing to me the other night but i gave in because i thought he might have gotten hurt. it happens a lot so its a legitimate excuse. but no 3 hours later he has not texted me...at the least im hoping for a good night text you know. but at the rate this is going i doubt ill get even that. great.

abandonedly yours,

Monday, July 5, 2010

give and take

i just want to be able to kiss him...is that wrong? like ive said he wants to hold off on physical stuff, i get that i really do but we hardly ever kiss anymore. i mean we peck...big deal. wow that came out wrong, my apologies, but at the same time be a man! kiss me like you mean it! and dont flake out in the middle and stop feel free to keep going...let me end it for once. im sorry i needed to rant because all of these thoughts came at once and i needed to voice them

my attempt to be upfront,

round two

and yet again i spent another night tossing and turning, begging for the sleep that wouldnt come. i dont think i actually fell asleep until 3 this time. fantastic. he has finally caught up on sleep and now im loosing it which will make for great dates im telling you, really just terrific. especially when the only attitude i have when im tired is sarcastic, impatient, and catty. meow. but i shall try very hard to keep my cool so that we can have a nice time doing whatever were doing tomorrow. oh, oh this just in...were going to a movie. ah well thats fine i think the best part about the movie is it gives me an excuse to hold his hand for long periods of time without letting go. yeah i like holding hands, its one of my favorites.

weisenheimeringly yours,

Saturday, July 3, 2010

it will be a great show.


Left, right, left, jump
Jump to get the ball
The ball that will hit the ground
Hit the ground with such force it with groan in pain
Groan in pain like the girl who just missed the dig
The dig that could have saved her that point
The point causing all the frustration
The frustration I feel probably more than her
More because I’m undetermined
Undetermined about if I want to play in college
Play for the colleges that pursue me
Perusing me while I sit and watch
Sit and watch my one track life style
One track life style that just keeps going no matter if my hearts in it or not
Not because I don’t love the sport
The sport I am in love with
A love so deep that I keep going even when my body mind and heart tell me to stop
Stop the frustration it causes me
Me, frustrated, just like the other girl
The girl who missed the dig
The dig that lost the game
The game when I scored the winning point
The winning point that doesn’t feel deserved
Deserved by the people who have more heart than me
More heart, dedication, yet they lack the skill to get there
Getting there is the problem
The problem is solved by a simple solution
The solution is genes, good ones
The good ones that make you tall
When you’re tall no one thinks twice about it
It being the dedication and weather you actually want to go on in this one track life style
The one track life style I lead
I lead it without fail
Failure in hiding it
Hiding it from the people who got me here
Here where I stand alone
Alone because everyone around me wants it more
More than anything
Anything and everything could get them there
There like across the net from me
Me who hit the ball with such force that the floor groaned

  • this is how i feel about volleyball...almost constantly. i wrote it for english, the dreaded poetry packet we are forced to do every year that i try with all my might to get out of because i honestly cant stand writing it. i love to read it but writing not so much. i always try to convey the whole meaning of this poem to my mom, but she doesnt get it. now my only inspiration to keep playing is to pay for college. great. i guess it doesnt matter anymore what i think or feel. oh and dont worry cause its not my life either im just forced to live it while doing the things others want me to.

welcome to the puppet show.

uncontrollably yours,

Friday, July 2, 2010


last night i could not fall asleep. i was up until about two in the morning thinking. i have this problem often so it wasnt that big of deal but it was the things i was thinking about that made it more frustrating. everything in the last post was on my mind how it made him feel after reading it, how it made me feel, and how it made last nights phone call end. but i eventually fell asleep and woke up around 9:30 or 10, ate a bowl of Reeces Puffs and watched two movies with my mom only pausing in between to eat lunch. then my mother took me to the beloved, at least by me, sprint store. i then found out that i could possibly be getting an amazing new phone called the EVO and im really super excited about it. ah!! you have no idea i live to get new phones, its an obsession really. then my dad came home and we told him all we learned about the phone situation and he wasnt completely disappointed so we went to dinner and he agreed to go back to the sprint store to purchase my mother a phone which is like the one i want but smaller. this would give me the chance to see if i wanted the phone i want and wait or get that one and get it now. when we got there though it was closed. check this out...it closes at 8...we got there at 8:02 and the door was locked. i was soooooooo mad.

i told my mom though that i felt normal. all day i did. unlike what i said yesterday about being sad or mad all the time and on the brink of tears 24/7. and it was refreshing really, getting back to the old me.

my parents did make a wrong move tonight though. my dad apparently got wind of me wanting to quit volleyball and he wanted to know why. then my mom started to ask if i had gotten over that yet like it was some kind of phase i was just making up to get out of something. i told him mom always says im so mentally strong but my mental stability has gone down since the beginning of sophomore year. then he proceeded to tell me that playing volleyball was the only way i would get into college. they havent saved up and money for it. i have no college money at all. none in existence. so basically i cant stop playing. im not allowed to. great. fan-freaking-tastic.

because i wouldnt be the weirdly obsessed girlfriend i am. okay im not obsessed but i mean i just like to talk about him. i would be worried if i didnt. i havent seen him at all today...hmmm, lets start there...which is strange because we normally see each other everyday. maybe thats why i started to feel the way i did yesterday. i love the kid i really do and i always said i could spend every waking minute with him and never get tired; but, i might have lied. and if your reading this right now and your sticking your lip out at me and are about to send me a text with a sad face in it, just stop because you know you couldnt do that with me either. and im okay with that because i know i getting annoying but hey thats me and i work it. ha well i like to think i do...ohhhh. anyways this whole not being together all day might just be good in the end because i really want to be with him right now.

i dont get it. when im fine you think something is wrong. when i tell you nothing is wrong, you think im lying. when you think im lying, theres something wrong. when theres something wrong, i dont let it show. when i try and let it show, you dont see it. when you dont see it, theres really something wrong.

just a thought.

averagely yours,

Thursday, July 1, 2010


i guess i started this because a lot of my friends have one and also my family, so i figured why not. i also wanted to start one because it gives me a chance to voice things that i cannot say aloud. lets start off by saying i will be a junior in high school this year, i have a boyfriend and i play volleyball. all of which i will expand on below...

im excited about being a junior because im finally an upperclassman and nothing could get worse than sophomore year. i had sucky classes with terrible teachers, and better yet none of those sucky classes were with any of my friends. its not that i did bad in school, i did fine, it just wasnt fun or exciting, in fact it was boring. maybe thats why i didnt like it as much. i just hope that this year will be better i mean it has the potential to be. i get to take two art classes to make up for the fact that i didnt get to take any this year. i just have to finish my english class online, i have 2 and a half weeks. i just finished lesson one. it should be interesting at least.

my boyfriend, my lover, my best friend. he is all of these things. i dont know how it all happened that fast i mean it took a good two years for my two current best friends to become just that; but, this kid, it only took two months. he gets through to me like no one else, i dont think ive ever been that open with someone before, which is crazy to me. crazy because i normally dont open up like i did with him....today we had the conversation that he said he wanted to hold off on the physical stuff, which i completely understand because it has gotten to be a good part of what we have been doing lately. i have to admit my heart sank when i read it but i have to respect what he wants because thats what being in a relationship is. i never thought of myself being that kind of girl though; the kind that does all of the physical stuff all the time because thats not me. but like i told him i guess i felt like it was the only was i could get his attention. he would be on the computer, doing nothing, me sitting next to him, watching him doing nothing. so i would start kissing him then moving on to other things. it worked he would pay attention to me. then while doing it i would be thinking "ha see hes so much happier now, his other girlfriends never did this kind of thing, hes likes me more now" which is wrong. it shouldnt be like that and i shouldnt have those thoughts; but, thats how it worked. recently i havent been feeling the normal full i usually do when were together maybe its because were kissing instead of talking which is partly my fault but at the same time hes not talking even when i try, and he normally always kisses back. it will be good though, the backing off of physical stuff because that will give us time to reconnect, to open up that ability to have a conversation all the time and never stop talking like it used to be. i hate saying that, like it used to be, because i dont want it to be like that. maybe it feels like that because hes tired, maybe its because im tired. i can say i have been feeling mad all the time, on the verge of tears most of the time. not because of anything he has done or anything that has happened but just because. here i go again saying the thing i hate and never want to admit but i want it to be like it used to when we first started talking and dating. typing that makes me want cry... oh wait too late...yup tears have formed. i love him i know i do ive known that since the beginning i just dont know what to do anyomre i hate feeling like this like there is no solution for what is happening. have i changed? has he? do we need time apart? do we just need more sleep? should we stop talking? stop texting all day everyday? would that help at all or make it worse? i dont know, i dont know the answers to these questions i constantly ask myself. then i think no, he loves me. which brings up the next question. WHY?! why the hell does this amazing boy love me? what makes me so special? hes a beautiful boy with an amazing personality one of the most generous people i ever met and he wants to be with me. he wants to love me. moody, crazy, competitive, argumentative, stubborn, has to have her way...me i dont get it. yeah crying big time now. i know i dont want to loose him. i want to do anything and everything that i can not to loose him.

volleyball is a different story. i love volleyball. or at least i hope i still love it. ive gotten to the point where i hate every aspect of it. ive been playing since sixth grade and i was good. no thats a lie, i was tall. after playing and training for so long to achieve the goal of playing in college i dont even know if i want to. but it doesnt matter because im not allowed to quit. my mother thinks that i should keep playing because of the connections it gives me. i understand that but im not going to play more than my freshman year in college because i want to be an artist. so why keep working towards something that i dont even want to do for the rest of my life? why not just start working towards my art? that just makes more sense to me but, no i have to make connections.

thats all i can even think about that subject normally i have more but im kind of burnt out on thinking, just like im burnt out on the sport...huh...coincidence? no its not, because ive had this conversation way too many times. well doing this made me cry. good. im glad. thats exactly the affect i wanted.

quizzically, questionably, confoundedly, yours...
p.s. i found our song...just reverse it so its an ex-girlfriend :)
click me