"...the most important relationship to have is with yourself...because no matter what happens you will always be with yourself."

-Diane Von Furstenberg

Saturday, July 10, 2010


today was better. i didnt cry. which is good because i really thought i would. i came close to it though i wanted to too just to get some more out but i didnt. watching him drive off is the worst part. i just feel like oh if i wait one more second then he will come back and realize that he made a mistake. but no it didnt happen. we went and saw a movie today. i got there and we hugged, good start i guess we talked till we got into the theater and then we watched. i kept finding myself wanting to hold his hand or touch him in some way. we did touch once it was by accident though like his hand was on the arm rest and my arm just happen to be barely touching him. that small touch made my heart jump. no lie. then he moved to where we werent touching. my jumping heart fell to the floor. i was thinking wow we have been through all of this and now he cant even touch me. i felt like trash. unwanted. but thats what i am right? unwanted? because if i was wanted all of this would have never happened. i want to ask if any of his feelings have changed and i dont mean like a complete turn around i just mean like any change at all has it gotten better? worse? God forbid worse. i dont know if i could handle that. oh wait yeah i know i couldnt. all day ive thought of nothing but him. everything i do reminds me of him. all of my stories. all of my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. are about him. i keep telling myself oh dont worry it will only be a week then he will realize that he does want to be with me. maybe two weeks. then i think what if he doesnt...that will be the day of never ending tears. i miss him. is that wrong? i miss the way he called me babe. i miss his goofy smile he always had on when we would first meet up. but i can hardly remember the smile because towards the end it wasnt there. thats when i could tell things were changing. i would get to his house and he would walk straight to the car. i feel like ive already said this. but i dont care. he would get in the car finish the text he was typing and he finally say hi. no hug no kiss no nothing. thats when i felt the worst. but even if thats happened it doesnt matter because i know thats when he started to feel different and that doesnt change the fact that i love him and he is what makes me happy. everyone keeps calling him an asshole for breaking up with me, he even calls himself that but its not true. since when does following your heart and doing whats best for you make you an asshole? yeah he broke my heart in the process but in the end i want him to be happy.

i love you.

confoundedly yours,

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