"...the most important relationship to have is with yourself...because no matter what happens you will always be with yourself."

-Diane Von Furstenberg

Thursday, July 1, 2010


i guess i started this because a lot of my friends have one and also my family, so i figured why not. i also wanted to start one because it gives me a chance to voice things that i cannot say aloud. lets start off by saying i will be a junior in high school this year, i have a boyfriend and i play volleyball. all of which i will expand on below...

im excited about being a junior because im finally an upperclassman and nothing could get worse than sophomore year. i had sucky classes with terrible teachers, and better yet none of those sucky classes were with any of my friends. its not that i did bad in school, i did fine, it just wasnt fun or exciting, in fact it was boring. maybe thats why i didnt like it as much. i just hope that this year will be better i mean it has the potential to be. i get to take two art classes to make up for the fact that i didnt get to take any this year. i just have to finish my english class online, i have 2 and a half weeks. i just finished lesson one. it should be interesting at least.

my boyfriend, my lover, my best friend. he is all of these things. i dont know how it all happened that fast i mean it took a good two years for my two current best friends to become just that; but, this kid, it only took two months. he gets through to me like no one else, i dont think ive ever been that open with someone before, which is crazy to me. crazy because i normally dont open up like i did with him....today we had the conversation that he said he wanted to hold off on the physical stuff, which i completely understand because it has gotten to be a good part of what we have been doing lately. i have to admit my heart sank when i read it but i have to respect what he wants because thats what being in a relationship is. i never thought of myself being that kind of girl though; the kind that does all of the physical stuff all the time because thats not me. but like i told him i guess i felt like it was the only was i could get his attention. he would be on the computer, doing nothing, me sitting next to him, watching him doing nothing. so i would start kissing him then moving on to other things. it worked he would pay attention to me. then while doing it i would be thinking "ha see hes so much happier now, his other girlfriends never did this kind of thing, hes likes me more now" which is wrong. it shouldnt be like that and i shouldnt have those thoughts; but, thats how it worked. recently i havent been feeling the normal full i usually do when were together maybe its because were kissing instead of talking which is partly my fault but at the same time hes not talking even when i try, and he normally always kisses back. it will be good though, the backing off of physical stuff because that will give us time to reconnect, to open up that ability to have a conversation all the time and never stop talking like it used to be. i hate saying that, like it used to be, because i dont want it to be like that. maybe it feels like that because hes tired, maybe its because im tired. i can say i have been feeling mad all the time, on the verge of tears most of the time. not because of anything he has done or anything that has happened but just because. here i go again saying the thing i hate and never want to admit but i want it to be like it used to when we first started talking and dating. typing that makes me want cry... oh wait too late...yup tears have formed. i love him i know i do ive known that since the beginning i just dont know what to do anyomre i hate feeling like this like there is no solution for what is happening. have i changed? has he? do we need time apart? do we just need more sleep? should we stop talking? stop texting all day everyday? would that help at all or make it worse? i dont know, i dont know the answers to these questions i constantly ask myself. then i think no, he loves me. which brings up the next question. WHY?! why the hell does this amazing boy love me? what makes me so special? hes a beautiful boy with an amazing personality one of the most generous people i ever met and he wants to be with me. he wants to love me. moody, crazy, competitive, argumentative, stubborn, has to have her way...me i dont get it. yeah crying big time now. i know i dont want to loose him. i want to do anything and everything that i can not to loose him.

volleyball is a different story. i love volleyball. or at least i hope i still love it. ive gotten to the point where i hate every aspect of it. ive been playing since sixth grade and i was good. no thats a lie, i was tall. after playing and training for so long to achieve the goal of playing in college i dont even know if i want to. but it doesnt matter because im not allowed to quit. my mother thinks that i should keep playing because of the connections it gives me. i understand that but im not going to play more than my freshman year in college because i want to be an artist. so why keep working towards something that i dont even want to do for the rest of my life? why not just start working towards my art? that just makes more sense to me but, no i have to make connections.

thats all i can even think about that subject normally i have more but im kind of burnt out on thinking, just like im burnt out on the sport...huh...coincidence? no its not, because ive had this conversation way too many times. well doing this made me cry. good. im glad. thats exactly the affect i wanted.

quizzically, questionably, confoundedly, yours...
p.s. i found our song...just reverse it so its an ex-girlfriend :)
click me

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