"...the most important relationship to have is with yourself...because no matter what happens you will always be with yourself."

-Diane Von Furstenberg

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

decisions and goals

i was at kaileys last night...

...we went to teen night at grand station which just means unlimited bowling and lazer tag. ben went to so he and his friends bowled next to us which was fun i got to talk to him. we only bowled one game and then left because we were bored so we decided to go to spoons and then bring it to marble slab because he was working and it was time to close so it would make him mad. but the line was out the door so we just went to marble slab instead and got ice cream. i walked in he didnt acknowledge me. were off to a great start. i got really tired all the sudden and really didnt want to be there anymore so i went and sat down without getting anything. then i started talking to everyone and i decided to get something he asked me what i wanted. i said you know what i want i dont even need to tell you so he got the birthday cake and then proceeded to put RECCES in it!!! i put cookie dough so i was hey man what the heck how many times have you made me ice cream and your getting it wrong. and then he had to think about what he did wrong! wow yeah way to go man thats just fantastic. and then he didnt put marsh mellows in...which i have been getting the last 4 times he has made my ice cream. he asked since when did you start putting marsh mellows in. i really just wanted to hit him. i mean really come on. so while he was fixing other stuff i started to play around with the display cups no big deal i was causing no harm and then while he had his back turned i pretended to take a dollar out of the tip jar to mess with him and he thought i was being serious. when we left oh man it was great, he still has the key chain i gave him on his work key and then he didnt even say by to me. so were driving home and i get a text saying what the heck why were you acting like that? so i said acting like what? response: you know what you were doing. reply: what are you talking about? response: ok whatever reply: no what are you talking about? then he wouldnt text me back so i called him and he didnt answer so i called him back about 20 minutes later and he answered but he was still closing so he couldnt talk then so he said we would talk about it later. so i said fine. we talked later it was all a bunch of crap he thought i was acting weird which i wasnt i was acting completely normal. ugh. its just drama and im tired of it. it doesnt even feel like he wants to be friends which he says he does. we talked earlier today and now its good i think well i hope i dont like fighting with him. i just want to still be able to hang out with him like we talked about and that hasnt happened. but anyways i was texting ben all last night too so that made it all a little bit better. kailey and haley made me watch paranormal activity which is a terrible movie i would not recommend it to anyone because it is terrifying and then we watched last house on the left and i even said i really didnt want to watch it because i wouldnt be about to sleep and they would fall asleep and i would be alone and freaking out. and it really pissed me off because they were respecting the fact that it really bothered me. they kept saying its not even scary stop being such a baby. i have never wanted to hit her so much ever. i was so mad. they said they would stay up with me but guess what happened? i was awake and they were asleep. i was up till 5:30 in the morning playing solitare until i finally found a song that calmed me down enough that i might be able to sleep so i put it on repeat and it played for 5 hours straight. so its great im still freaking out about it and now im even at my own house. next time im picking the movies and i dont care what they think about it. there its decided.

tomorrow is team camp. yay. its not that bad really but im not completely sure yet. OH! there is a possibility of me getting my new phone tomorrow which im sooooo excited about oh man you have no idea and with that i am now really tired. maybe the melatonin will over power the fear and make me sleep harder with no dreams. that would be fantastic. a nice dreamless full nights sleep. thats my new goal.

my mind says let go.
my heart says fight.

numb to it all,

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