"...the most important relationship to have is with yourself...because no matter what happens you will always be with yourself."

-Diane Von Furstenberg

Thursday, July 8, 2010

emptiest feeling in the world

i hate this. i hate this. i hate this. last nights post sucked because he told me that he started to think of me more as a friend than a girlfriend. i could tell something had changed i mean it was pretty obvious. but God when i read that i dont think that my heart could have dropped any lower. we were on the phone thats why i didnt really write. i was crushed my eyes too blurry from tears to be able to see the screen anyways. he said he could be wrong that it could just be a weird thing thats happening but no it was all too real. we talked this morning. i was crying on and off all day but we decided to meet at sonic after he got off work. it was one of our normal things to just go sit at sonic and talk for hours. once he got in my car he hugged me and i lost it. started balling immediately. we talked for an hour and he said he wants to give friends a try to see if he really still wants to be with me. i understand i mean i want whats best for him and if being with me isnt it then we dont need to be together. is it so selfish that i want to be with him anyways? i mean atleast i would get to call him mine. but so we are broken up. the worst part ever since i read that last night i knew it would happen. i asked if there was hope for us to get back together and he said yes...i want to believe it so bad because i dont want to lose him. its too soon for me i cant just let him go like that hes too big a part of my life. he said he still loves me and that none of his feelings have changed for me but how can that be true if this is whats happening. thats why im so frustrated because it just doesnt make sense to me. once we decided that we were friends we just talked for a little bit messed around i was actually smiling and laughing. only a mask over the hurt i was feeling. we got out of the car to say goodbye, only a hug that wasnt anywhere near long enough for me to say goodbye to him like that, but we did. i got back in my car and started crying like never before. body shaking, choking, sobbs. he pulled behind me to where i could see him and started waving...i have never felt more hurt. i pulled out behind him and came to the stop signs where we would go in opposite directions. i couldnt even look at him, i pulled out and my eyes got so flooded with tears that i couldnt see the road. i kept going though there was nothing else i could do. i cried all the way home and when i got there realized that my mom was home. that i wasnt expecting. she smiled at me as i got out of the car saw my face then immediately turned away. i walked inside and lost it i hugged my mom and she held me while i cried; but, it wasnt her that i wanted to hold me. the person i wanted was the one who caused all this hurt and pain. i cried for another good 3o minutes and then tried to calm down. it didnt work. ive still been crying off and on all day and now as i sit here and am typing this tragic story that im sorry to call my day, tears just stream down my face. we are suppose to go see a movie tomorrow that we have had planned for a while but just as friends now and i dont even know if ill be able to get through that with out crying. ill probably end up getting to my car and crying all over again like i did today. its a good thing i left those tissues in there. he told me to text him but i couldnt and he eventually ended up texting me. we talked for a little bit but he would keep ending the conversation. i finally asked him if he even wanted to talk to me he said yes and i said okay, end of conversation. oh yeah, he really wants to talk to me. i asked him if he was okay and he (eventually) said no, i really didnt have to ask i could tell by his voice but still. i still stand by what i told him: i want to feel bad that he feels the way he does but he did it to himself, this was his decision. and he knows that. now i, i get to feel like shit (pardon the language but i feel the situation warrens it). i get to be sad, i get to be depressed and oh wait, i was. all day. i hardly talked to anyone, well except kailey because she came over to talk about it, and ive harldly eaten. i stayed in bed all day and watched gilmore girls. thats i what i get to do because this was done to me. but if he feels so bad shouldnt that tell him that it was the wrong decision? i dont know thats how i think of it but obviously im wrong because were not back together now are we. my eyes burn from all of the tears ive cried while writing this. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.

happy 2 month anniversary. i love you.

singularly yours,

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