"...the most important relationship to have is with yourself...because no matter what happens you will always be with yourself."

-Diane Von Furstenberg

Monday, July 12, 2010

because we are friends

I love you more
Than the sun
and the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too

I love you, yesterday and today

Through the joy and the pain

I'll say it again and again

I love you more

I love you more

And I see you
And I made you

And I love you more than you can imagine

More than you can fathom

I love you more than the sun

And you shine for me

well i went to bed at 12:30 last night and slept till 11. i call that a win. major success. only because i havent been able to sleep that great lately and i mean this was intense sleep. so yes i am happy...well about that. i woke up got dressed and helped my mom finish her school shopping at wal mart, came home and he texted me....yes HE texted me. it was about lunch so i got dressed for that. yes completely different outfit and i put on make up...i mean how am i suppose to win him back if i dont look good...well i mean as good as i can without looking like im trying. we went to lunch, taco bell of course, and we sat and talked. he looked good. i honestly had to stop myself a couple times from touching him. we hugged and i wanted more. more than a hug. a kiss? see the thing is if we kissed i dont know if i could stop there i mean like i wouldnt be able to do it once. if i knew that our last kiss would be our last i would have made it better, last longer, and savor it more than i did. but i mean it cant happen because we are friends and friends dont kiss. so he took me home and on the way home i did say part of what i wanted to say about how i dont mean to make him feel bad or get on his case for stuff, its not my job and i have no business doing it. but the whole time he was talking he had his hand on the middle console. the place where he used to put it to signal for me to grab it and hold tight. but i couldnt because we are friends and friends dont hold hands. he dropped me off and i got to hug him twice which im not even kidding made me feel a lot better. but once again watching him drive off hurt. when i got inside i went into a mini depression again. but i hid it because i didnt want to be like that so me and my mom went school supplies shopping, something i love doing. i got some stuff not all of it but some. came home and watched tv. shocking i know because i never do that anymore. kailey called later and we went to go practice our sprints for volleyball tryouts. we got through 8 in the right amount of time so thats good. we have to do 18 so its really not that bad. but then it happened the same thing that happens every time i start training for this. i started cramping. your thinking cramps arent bad but these cramps...these are bad cramps. these make me feel like i want to throw up and i never throw up. they make my entire body hurt and theres nothing i can do except let them pass. paralyzing pain is what it is. well anyways he is suppose to call me tonight to talk because i didnt say everything i wanted to. i dont know if its even the right time. its only been 4 days since that terrible thing happened, 4 depressing, i dont know what to do because it feels like my other half is missing, days. i just want to know if there is a chance because if there is great then i will continue to wait because its worth it to me. but if there isnt then tell me because i cant keep my hopes up and keep feeling like this if i cant ever have him again. it takes too much out of me. my mom is even asking me about this, she can see im not myself with out him. it would be better for my health, mental physical and emotional, for him to just tell me. thats all i want to know. i want him back. so bad. but i cant say that because we are friends and friends dont do that.

i love you.

yearningly yours,

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